Proving Des Moines is NOT boring

Why I love Des Moines: No “Supermosquitoes”

Why does anyone live in Florida?

As if the humidity, catastrophic housing market collapse, the Miami Heat, and the general freakshow/reality-show-come-to-life nature of that state weren’t enough to make you want to avoid setting foot in the Sunshine State forever, according to recent news, there is a new threat buzzing through the Florida skies: giant monster “supermosquitoes.”

gallinipper

This breed of supermosquitoes are known as “gallinippers” for their ability to “nip” a “gallon” of blood. According to media reports, the mosquito is so big, it feels like a “small bird is landing on you” and the mosquito bites hurt so much that it feels like “someone is breaking your arm.”

A mosquito that can suck a gallon of blood and break your arm? Good Lord. No wonder so many people in Florida own guns.

This story just went to the top of my list for reasons why I love living in Des Moines. Not only do we have no killer dolphins, we also have no supermosquitoes.

You see, I have a problem with insects. I don’t like them, and they don’t like me. My favorite thing about living in Iowa is that every year, winter comes and the bugs all die. It gives me great satisfaction to walk through my neighborhood in the autumn chill, knowing that all of the insects who annoyed me all summer are about to meet a frigid demise.

Mosquitoes are the absolute worst. They serve no purpose other than to suck our blood and infect us with horrible diseases like West Nile and malaria. By some estimates, mosquitoes are the deadliest animal in the world, since over 2 million people die of mosquito-borne illnesses each year. Iowa mosquitoes are bad enough, without being subjected to the horrors of the Florida gallinipper.

So in conclusion: Florida. Ugh.

Ben Gran is a Des Moines writer and comedian. He has killed over 5,000 mosquitoes during the course of his life. Follow Ben Gran on Twitter and Facebook.